Libido contracton

I'll be spilling my innards in this entry and if you don't want to see that, look away now.

The other day my friend X came to visit. We live far away from each other so unfortunately we don't get to see each other much these days. As usually when we meet the main topics were feelings, relationships and self-improvement.

One of the most interesting things we discussed was “libido contraction”, i.e. the opposite of the classical concept of the expansion of the libido. Apparently, it happens when you “stray from the path”. Bang on target.

When I came back from Italy in 2005 I was on the path, and I was shining like a star. The contrast between then and today is nothing less than appalling. It feels as if I've been slowly rotting from the inside ever since I got my heart ripped out two and a half years ago. Which is kind of metaphorically logical since the organism will start decomposing whithout a heart.

I've wanted to stay single because I've found it meaningless to get into a relationship: I'd either meet someone who wasn't good for me, or someone who was good – but I'd spoil it because I wasn't ready for it. The idea was to work on myself, by myself, for a couple of years. But I haven't done that and instead I strayed from the path even more.

The change starts here. In the words of India.Arie (see here for full lyrics):

“I've reached a fork in the road of my life
Where ain't gonna happen nothing unless I decide

And I choose to be the best that I can be
I choose to be authentic in everything
I do, my past don't dictate who I am
I choose”

A Midwinter's Day Dream

Today it's Midwinter and it's been 5 ½ years since I gave up nicotine permanently.

20-30 cm of snow lies heavily on bushes and trees. The air is cold and clear, and feels so sharp it hurts my throat. Traffic is still suffering from delays and cars and buses are struggling in slopes and crossings. And somehow I feel...really good. These last few days of have made me realise I've been missing real Winter, as opposed to the humid nonsense we usually get around here.

I'm making snowballs while walking the streets and throwing them randomly around me. I'm kicking signposts to make the snow fall from them. Walking home from a party on Saturday night, I was actually laughing to myself just from the sheer beauty of the slow and peaceful snowfall. (Ok so I was a bit tipsy, but I believe I would still have been laughing if sober, only a little...less).

I just wish we could have, say, three weeks to one month of *real* Winter and five months of *real* Summer instead of what we usually now: five months of cold humidity and, if we're lucky, one month of *real* Summer. Need to find such a place. Ideas anyone?