Hello

Hello deserted half of my bed that I wake up next to in the morning.
Hello anguish that wells up in me before the alarm sounds.
Hello shower cabin that encloses only my own body.
Hello empty chair opposite of me while I'm trying to force myself to eat breakfast.
Hello bus ride without you pressing yourself against me.
Hello train ride without you holding my hand.
Hello uninspiring work without me being able to look forward to what comes after.
Hello cell phone that no longer receives your text messages.
Hello fits of crying that come in season and out.
Hello evening that I spend on my own.
Hello dinner that I make for myself, once I have the energy to.
Hello dance floor that leaves me unsatisfied.
Hello again bed that I'm lying in without your too warm body making me sweat.
Hello nightmare that I have to suffer through every night, and that it doesn't help to wake up from.

Hello loneliness.

My wish, part II

It seems my wish was not to be granted.

My wish

My wish is to love you and to be loved by you, to live a happy life and die in peace.
My wish is to feel you inside of me, and to feel you surrounding me.
My wish is to be with you, for us to work out our differences and grow together.
My wish is to experience our bodies age and decay together, and for us to love each other through it all, until the very end.

This is my wish.

Reading between the lines

I'm reading between the lines of what you write. I shouldn't do that, because it's not good for me. It's not good for my feelings and it's not good for us.

Some improvements have been made, but I still need to change. The one I was had no future. The one I feel like now has no future.

Surrender and trust. So easy to say, so difficult to live.

Majin ja nai kedo

Some days you wish that you could be like a machine. Without feelings, just going with the programming. On days like these, there's nothing better than Front Line Assembly. Cold electronics; sequenced beats; harsh, processed vocals.



Makes you cold inside. For a while.

And then all the feelings come rushing back in again.

I know this whole situation with Γ is difficult for you, my love. I understand that you, at some point, need to allow yourself to mourn what's been lost. I understand what you're going through; I've been there myself - more than once. And I also remember my own mistakes when I was in that situation.

I wish I could just be cool-headed enough to give you however much room you need. I know it would probably be in both of our best interest in the long run. I'm trying to.

But it's so difficult... I'm not a machine.

Your beautiful words

"I was afraid of losing you. It would be so much to lose."

You have shaken my world, Φ. You have swept my feet away.

Libido contracton

I'll be spilling my innards in this entry and if you don't want to see that, look away now.

The other day my friend X came to visit. We live far away from each other so unfortunately we don't get to see each other much these days. As usually when we meet the main topics were feelings, relationships and self-improvement.

One of the most interesting things we discussed was “libido contraction”, i.e. the opposite of the classical concept of the expansion of the libido. Apparently, it happens when you “stray from the path”. Bang on target.

When I came back from Italy in 2005 I was on the path, and I was shining like a star. The contrast between then and today is nothing less than appalling. It feels as if I've been slowly rotting from the inside ever since I got my heart ripped out two and a half years ago. Which is kind of metaphorically logical since the organism will start decomposing whithout a heart.

I've wanted to stay single because I've found it meaningless to get into a relationship: I'd either meet someone who wasn't good for me, or someone who was good – but I'd spoil it because I wasn't ready for it. The idea was to work on myself, by myself, for a couple of years. But I haven't done that and instead I strayed from the path even more.

The change starts here. In the words of India.Arie (see here for full lyrics):

“I've reached a fork in the road of my life
Where ain't gonna happen nothing unless I decide

And I choose to be the best that I can be
I choose to be authentic in everything
I do, my past don't dictate who I am
I choose”

A Midwinter's Day Dream

Today it's Midwinter and it's been 5 ½ years since I gave up nicotine permanently.

20-30 cm of snow lies heavily on bushes and trees. The air is cold and clear, and feels so sharp it hurts my throat. Traffic is still suffering from delays and cars and buses are struggling in slopes and crossings. And somehow I feel...really good. These last few days of have made me realise I've been missing real Winter, as opposed to the humid nonsense we usually get around here.

I'm making snowballs while walking the streets and throwing them randomly around me. I'm kicking signposts to make the snow fall from them. Walking home from a party on Saturday night, I was actually laughing to myself just from the sheer beauty of the slow and peaceful snowfall. (Ok so I was a bit tipsy, but I believe I would still have been laughing if sober, only a little...less).

I just wish we could have, say, three weeks to one month of *real* Winter and five months of *real* Summer instead of what we usually now: five months of cold humidity and, if we're lucky, one month of *real* Summer. Need to find such a place. Ideas anyone?

Midnight Entry

It's Friday, past midnight, I'm drunk and still at work. It's not as bad as it sounds though; a colleague has quit his job today and we've been celebrating him with beer and Wii (mostly Guitar Hero III) - at work. I'm waiting for my bus that leaves at 01.24, listening to my last.fm radio which has decided that Oliver Mutikudzi and Pino Daniele are what's hot for the moment. I do not object.

The mind expands towards the manifesting plains of the higher chakras. Or does it? At any eventuality, I'm feeling content, an inner peace attends, slowly pacing across the plains of the realm of life. Never have I affirmed the spontaneous aspects of my musical creativity and that might have been a mistake. On the other hand there probably are no mistakes, only different paths in life and different lessons to be learned.

Another weekend, another game. I'm still enjoying my pointless existence, even though the more profound questions ever loom. I've pointed out to myself that the anxiety is unfounded. The flow breaks; what now?

...so what bout the higher aspect?

U2: In the Name of Love. How befitting.

The Glorious Expansion Continues, Pt. 2

* Pse? (Albanian)
* Afhverju? (Icelandic)

I obviously don't have anything else of "interest" to write. Or do I?

The Glorious Expansion Continues

* Wei shen ma? (Mandarin)
* Wei sen ma? (Cantonese)
* Kyoun? (Hindi)

...and that makes it 36. Yay.

Damnit

Due to obvious reasons (for those who would know) I've avoided listening to India.Arie lately. Unfortunately, since I got the marvellous idea of listening to My Last.fm Radio there was no way for me to protect myself from that song. And oh dear, I think that was the sound of a heart going to pieces again (and even though I detest it when people quote lyrics on their pages I can't seem to resist doing it myself)...

I am ready for love
Why are you hiding from me
I'd quickly give my freedom
To be held in your captivity

I am ready for love
All of the joy and the pain
And all the time that it takes
Just to stay in your good grace
Lately I've been thinking
Maybe you're not ready for me
Maybe you think I need to learn maturity
They say watch what you ask for
'Cause you might receive
But if you ask me tomorrow
I'll say the same thing

I am ready for love
Would you please lend me your ear?
I promise I won't complain
I just need you to acknowledge I am here

If you give me half a chance
I'll prove this to you
I will be patient, kind, faithful and true
To a man who loves music
A man who loves art
Respects the spirit world
And thinks with his heart

I am ready for love
If you'll take me in your hands
I will learn what you teach
And do the best that I can

I am ready for love
Here with a offering of
My voice
My eyes
My soul
My mind

Tell me what is enough
To prove I am ready for love

I am ready

India.Arie - Ready For Love

...damnit.

Damnit.

...

Oh, curse it. This was how you came to me, even though I didn't want it; and this is how you've left me, now that you don't want it any longer.

33!

* Kina? (Nepalese)
^_^

I'd rather be a Chrysocyon brachyurus

In relation to my Okapi post a while back: I have given it some thought and come to the conclusion that rather than an Okapi, I see myself as the Maned Wolf (also known as the Stilt-legged fox). After all, I am...





...dark-maned...


...long-legged...


...handsome with character...


...itchy...


...thoughtful...


...lazy...

...playful...


...cuddly...


...apprehensive...


...tough...


...and not to be taken lightly.


Apart from that, my gaze is said to be able to fell a chicken...


...and...NO WAIT!

Pic 1 © City of Kansas City, Missouri
Pic 2 © Calvin J Hamilton
Pic 3 © Josef Hlasek
Pics 4 & 11 © The Ark Gallery
Pics 5, 6, 7, 8, 10, 12 & 14 © Hans Hendriks
Pic 9 © Leandro Silveira
Pic 13 © Jay Pfahl

Celebration?

Happy birthday to me;
Happy birthday to me;
Happy birthday dear Jesus...
Happy birthday to me

*sigh*

Non vale un addio

Time for some lyrics. It's that time of year, you see.

Intorno a te la strada va si fa di lato la città
Le case basse che diradano e l'aria cambia ormai
Fuggire adesso è la tua idea in mezzo a un cielo che va via
Però il dolore quando acceleri corre più di te
Ad ogni curva ad ogni età è sempre lì che aspetta già
Sceglie le persone fragili le più forti mai

Così nei pensieri tuoi
Il resto non conta ormai
La notte lo sai non vale un addio
Che la vita è ritrovarsi amico mio

Il tuo dolore resta lì ti fruga l'anima e così
Decidi di fermarti un attimo per ragionarci un po'
Lui mette in fila i giorni bui le tue sconfitte i fallimenti tuoi
Ma ti ribelli e per difenderti hai solo te

Così nei pensieri tuoi
Il resto non conta ormai
La notte lo sai non vale un addio
Perché l'alba torna sempre al posto suo
E la vita è ritrovarsi amico mio
Che la vita è ritrovarsi amico mio

Adesso il tempo insegue il tempo
E tu hai un appuntamento
Non puoi essere in ritardo
La tua vita ti aspetta già

E così nei pensieri tuoi
Il resto non conta ormai
La notte se vuoi è un sogno o un'idea
Non è altro che una breve galleria
Tra il passato e tutto quello che farai
Sai che l'alba torna sempre al posto suo
E la vita è ritrovarsi amico mio

Nek - Non vale un addio

Yes, it's indeed precisely like that.

"Why"

I can say "Why?" in 32 languages:

* ¿Por qué? (Spanish)
* Por que? (Portuguese)
* Pourquoi? (French)
* Perché? (Italian)
* De ce? (Romanian)
* Cur? (Latin)
* Why? (English)
* Warum? (German)
* Waarom? (Dutch)
* Hvorfor? (Norwegian)
* Hvorfor? (Danish)
* Varför? (Swedish)
* Počemu? (Russian)
* Dlaczego? (Polish)
* Zač? (Slovenian)
* Zašto? (Croatian)
* Zašto? (Serbian)
* Zašto? (Bosnian)
* Zošto? (Macedonian)
* Miksi? (Finnish)
* Miks? (Karelian)
* Miért? (Hungarian)
* Giatí? (Greek)
* Neden? (Turkish)
* Lama? (Hebrew)
* Alesh? (Arabic)
* Çima/Ji bo çi? (Kurdish)
* Çerà? (Persian)
* Kyoun? (Urdu)
* Doushite? (Japanese)
* Tammai? (Thai)
* Bakiit? (Tagalog)

Just Thought I'd Let You Know.

Oh no! I've just revealed that my native language is one of the above, damn!

Anyway: "Doushite, anata, doushite? Ai shiteru, yo."

Christmas gifts!

Since I detest Christmas I must naturally, in the Name of Inconsequence, list all Christmas gifts I received this year. Here goes:

1. Kodansha's Furigana, hardcover, 1. 700+ pages of English-Japanese/Japanese-English exquisiteness.
2. Sony Ericsson W950i, mobile phone/walkman/palm pilot, 1. I shall enjoy chuckling at all you iPod dorks of the world for a while from this point on. Still waiting for the chip behind the ear for the ultimate all-in-one solution though...
3. The Art of Travel by Alain de Botton, paperback, 1. (Thanks for the tip, Linda!)
   
4. Money, local currency, uncountable. All hail to Mammon!
5. Gift vouchers, 3. Vouchers worth 25€ at a local department store whose cheap and boring clothes (un)fortunately fit me perfectly. White trash? Yes...but with style!
   
6. Long sleeve vest, white, 1.
7. Candy, various, 663 grams...but no Green Jellies! An old tradition has been buried and I am in a state of shock.

The funniest thing that must have happened this Christmas was when I realised my dad looks gay. It is all there: Shaved head, tanned, pierced ear with a huge diamond piercing, well-trained, tattooed... Very gay indeed, but in a splendid way if you ask me.

He was infuriated nevertheless. Har har.

Touching your former nemesis

We could not get it quite right
So you came to show us
How it was supposed to be done

And you took my hand
And we prepared ourselves
And I felt somewhat insecure
Because of what had happened between us
In the past

Then you exploded
And our bodies were slammed tight
And you were in my arms
Swirling around

And I almost felt
As though I had lost my virginity
Again
To a primordial force


On the dancefloor you are really something, M.

Mobile Technology meets Power of Goth

Ladies and Gentlemen, meine Damen und Herren, mes dames et messieurs, gentili signori! I present to you the most Gawthic mobile phone ever seen upon the face of the Earth: Samsung SGH-X160!

SGH-X160, a k a Mistress of the Night.

Unfortunately I think it looks pretty sweet. Perhaps I haven't completely severed my old gothic bonds completely after all. Dread the thought.

(And maybe this is old news - but then again, I am a technological retard.)